


Let me carry some of the pain for you

by hemisphaeric



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Dark, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mulder has feelings, Post-Episode: s11e05 Ghouli, Short One Shot, post ghouli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 15:52:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemisphaeric/pseuds/hemisphaeric
Summary: "Tears streamed uncontrollably as he held his head in his hands and sobbed, his mind a gravitational center for all the darkness that had been revolving around him."





	Let me carry some of the pain for you

The remaining drive home passed in a blur, both of them too overwhelmed to actually speak. Mulder turned to look at Scully from time to time, making sure she was fine. 

After some miles and more exchanged smiles, Scully’s hand finds its way on Mulder’s thigh, a firm grip, reassuring and softly possessive. His hand covered hers every time he could allow himself to keep just the one hand on the steering wheel.

Mulder thought about baseball, birthday cakes and missed moments or better, missed years of his son’s life. He stopped the stream of thoughts as guilt came rumbling down on him, accompanied by the familiar lump in his throat. 

_God no, you’re better, you know you are. You are strong, you are happy. You need to keep being strong for her. She needs you._

He really was better, everything was going fine again, even the last bits of uneasiness between them crumbling down as Scully stayed at their home almost everyday.  
_And she wouldn’t have done that if she thought I’m still in that darkness.  
Or at least everything was going well before we had had to look at our son’s body. The son who had then revealed to be alive and well, thank whoever is up there. _

He kept his eyes on the road, trying to fight all the ideas and concerns that were forming in his head. And he kept on driving. 

When they got back, late at night, there were no questions of where they should be, together or not. The idea of Scully going back to her apartment in town was incredibly distant and remote. He simply drove them home.

As soon as they stepped inside, she wrapped her arms around him, getting impossibly close. Mulder held her tight, breathing in the flowery smell of her shampoo and fighting back tears for what was probably the hundredth time in the past days. 

They simply stayed there for a long time, until he lifted her chin with his thumb, looking into her blue eyes and smiled. 

“I want to watch it again” she said, almost a whisper. 

A little nod was all he gave as a response. A moment later he took his phone in hand and hit play on the black and white image. 

They had found their way up to bed and he had listened to her falling asleep while she rested her head on his shoulder. 

He was awake though, and he was alone with his own head for the first time.  
The stream of thoughts entered his mind so suddenly and strongly that he almost gasped. He had kept himself together well until he had found himself alone, not able to expiate his pain through her own. Holding and comforting her had worked as a way of distracting himself from his own misery. 

_Baseball. School. First days and last ones. Little feet running around the house. Scully’s face as she holds him and kisses his small head. Our chance at being somehow a normal family._

That was it, he couldn’t fight it anymore, his head had won. His tears had started rolling down his cheeks. 

He stood up quickly and almost ran outside, stumbling on the front porch and ending up on his knees at the base of the wooden stairs. 

_Why why why. I am healthy I am better. I can’t go back. William. Always late, never there. Left them alone.  
She’s gonna leave again, you’re pathetic. _

Tears streamed uncontrollably as he held his head in his hands and sobbed, his mind a gravitational center for all the darkness that had been revolving around him. 

Suddenly warm hands were touching him but he didn’t react. He couldn’t react, feeling so distant from everything. Scully was speaking, he recognized her voice, but not her words, those were like a white noise in the back of his head, which was so loudly screaming.

“I am better Scully, for real” he didn’t realize he had started talking at first, but he couldn’t stop, tears fogging up his vision.  
“It’s just… it’s just a moment, I swear I don’t know… I…” she cupped his cheeks with her warm hands, lifting his face to level their eyes.

“I know” a soft whisper in his ear, as she enveloped him in her arms, holding tight and rocking him softly.  
“Come inside with me please Mulder” 

Scully wrapped him in some blankets and made him tea. He was trembling and felt freezing cold after being out in just his boxers. 

He was silent for a long time as she sat beside him wordlessly, the only sound being the quiet sipping on his steaming tea. 

“I’m sorry you had to… see that”, he put his cup down. 

“Mulder, don’t do this please”, she moved closer, her arm moving around his waist tentatively. She held him a little tighter when he didn’t push her away. 

“He thinks about you”, he looked into her eyes, finding softness there. Not anger, not disappointment. Just softness and melancholy. 

“Really?”, his voice felt small, almost a whisper, but he wanted to know more.

She nodded once, twice and then smiled. “I saw you in his head and I just wish you could see it too, Mulder. I believe he thinks you’re cool”.

He chuckled softly, feeling the hint of a new, nice warmth starting to spread inside him.

“I just wish that things had gone differently…”, his voice broke and he hoped she knew what he was trying to say. He he knew she did, of course.

“You don’t have to carry it all by yourself, Mulder, let me carry some of the pain for you”, another small smile crept up on her lips.

“All the choices we've made have led us to this moment, to us being together now and that’s what matters Mulder, we cannot change the past…”, he nods lightly, remembering a late night conversation that had brought them to discuss that same topic.

“And now we know he’s alive and we’ll get to see him again”, she spoke so tenderly, so close to him that his head was almost touching hers.

A single tear fell from his eye directly on their joined hands. Scully lifted them up to her mouth, kissing his knuckles. 

“Let’s go to bed”, a brief nod and they moved back upstairs, their hands tangled together.

The blankets had gone cold long before, but they cuddled up incredibly close, Scully spooning him and kissing his shoulders softly.  
She waited until she heard his breath steady and relaxed before she allowed herself to close her eyes. 

They’re both sound asleep when her mobile rings quietly, once. 

A message with a picture of a beautiful windmill.

**Author's Note:**

> It took me a while to get the right voices and to write them down, but I enjoyed the process a lot


End file.
